Recently I had an excellent friend of mine question why I was letting negative people affect my mindset. I would explain why I was bothered, and she would reply with “so,” expecting a reason. If I gave her another reason for why it was affecting me, she would make me explain again and reply with, “so what?”. “So what if they don’t like you?” “So what if they never want to get to know you?” “So what if they say bad things about you.” “SO WHAT if they don’t accept you?”
This significant woman in my life then said, “Gracee, you will NEVER belong.”
Even though I don’t intentionally do things for my end goal to be belonging, I have a sense of wanting to. If this were not the case, then all of the friends I have lost and the negative people I have encountered wouldn’t affect me as much – correct? I believe a lot of this has to do with my trauma. When I reflect on myself, even as independent as I am, I struggle when others don’t accept me or like me. I know I’ve made mistakes in life that have hurt the people I love, but at times I don’t give others a reason to dislike me. I can be too much for some.
Like many others, I have not had opportunities with supportive parents. Thankfully I always had amazing people help me along the way, but it was still complex as a child. I often would feel like I was in the way, or sometimes things happened that would make me feel unwanted. As a child, that’s hard to swallow. As I grew older, I honestly never had that feeling of “home.” I didn’t know if I would need to find a new place to stay at any second. At the time, I was never confident in knowing that I would always be accepted. As a child, I always felt like I wasn’t good enough and was more ‘in the way’ than not. Thankfully, some families never gave up on me that shed light on the darkest of those days. But my trauma, unfortunately, has happened and doesn’t just go away.
Those words right there was a perspective I’d never thought of before. WOW, that is what went through my head. It is probably the most accurate thing I have EVER heard in my life. I am learning in my faith that my purpose here is not to “be accepted” and “belong.”
I have always struggled with knowing that I would do anything for some, and I am still not liked at times. My faith, in general, is something I have not always had either. I did not know God, and it is not that I didn’t believe in him, but I didn’t know his role in this thing called life. I was not raised in a Church nor educated on his word, and all I would hear about is how hypocritical religious people were/are. I found a Church 5 years ago and am still learning and understanding my purpose. The truth is I do belong – I belong to Jesus, and he loves me, and he accepts me. Just like He loves you and welcomes you. That is what is essential. As I go into 2022, I acknowledge I will never have a sense of belonging the way I have craved and more of an understanding of my true purpose here in my life, knowing I do belong and am accepted by who matters the most.
Cheers to my best spiritual growing year yet, and if you struggle with this too, you find peace in life, you understand that you belong too.